Twenty-five years ago today, in the pouring rain, Steve Stilwell and I stood before God and 250 of our family and friends, and “pledged our troth” to each other. Of course we had no clue what that really meant or would look like but, thankfully, we trusted a God Who did.
God’s grace and mercy has covered us through 25 years and we’re believing Him for 25 more. I’m thankful to be married to such a wonderful man, and I consider him to be my greatest gift!
As I look back, these are some things I’ve learned:
7 Secrets for a Happy Marriage
- God comes first. PERIOD. Faith has to be the foundation of your marriage (and family) or you’re headed down a rocky path.
- Decide ahead of time that divorce is NOT an option. Once that’s off the table, you have no alternative but to work things out.
- Choose your fights carefully. If it won’t matter next week/month/year, it’s not worth arguing over. And if you DO need to argue, choose your words CAREFULLY. Once they fly out of your mouth, you’ll never get them back and they’ll ring in your spouse’s ears forever.
- Be willing to apologize. I don’t know what it is, but there is something incredibly healing about hearing the other person say “I’m sorry” and mean it.
- Don’t yell at each other. Seriously, unless the house is on fire, keep it down. Something crazy happens when voices raise, and it’s easy for things to take a mean turn.
- If you have children, don’t make them the center of your universe. I might catch some heat over this one, but so be it. You were a couple before they came and you want to be a couple after they leave. Guard your time together. When your marriage is strong, your kids will feel secure.
- Be your own person. Healthy marriages don’t require you to spend every waking moment together. Be sure you cultivate plenty of shared interests, but each of you needs individual hobbies and pursuits too. Those things make you a more interesting person, plus it gives you different things to talk about.
One more to tie it all up -
Don’t expect from
your spouse
what can only be found in
your Savior.
Click that to tweet it!
(seriously – great advice & the most tweetable tweet you’ll ever get from me)
Obviously this isn’t an exhaustive list, but it’s what popped into my head as I looked back over 25 years with “The Governor.” I wonder what HIS seven secrets might be…
Happy Anniversary!!! Great tips — many I’ve had to learn the hard way over our 22 years of marriage. My tip is to ALWAYS speak highly of your spouse to others, especially in public.
And by the way, I’m with you on #6. So many couples crumble once the kids go off to school. God created the marriage before the family. A solid marriage is the best gift we can give our children.
“ALWAYS speak highly of your spouse to others, especially in public.” Awesome, Cathy — Thanks for stopping by!!
Amen Susan!
But I would add, communicate to this list. Don’t keep things inside. Don’t assume your spouse knows what you are feeling. Talk about things, even if it is difficult.
“Communicate and don’t keep things inside.” Ouch, Josey. I can be a “stuffer” and it’s not good. Thanks for sharing!
Congrats to both of you!
You are “right on” , especially your tweet!
From now on, time will FLY…I can’t believe we’ve been married for 42 years.
Best tip? hmmm….(I’ve eaten a lot of words)
BE WILLING TO SAY “I’M SORRY, I WAS WRONG, PLEASE FORGIVE ME, I LOVE YOU”
12 powerful words, especially when you string them together. Thanks, TK!
Happy Anniversary! I 100% agree with you–especially not making the kids the center of your universe. Not good for you or them! Thanks for linking up!
Thanks for stopping by, Mary Beth!
I bet the “governor” would say he is the lucky one!
As you well know, it depends on the day
Happy Anniversary to one of my favorite couples. How about “Being willing to sit through a VT game come rain, sleet, heat, snow, high winds, etc. ?” LOL ( I am still working on this one).
Hahaha – that’s true love! The good thing is this: when you’ve proven your love for several years, you can give your ticket to his friend (or one of the kids) and watch the game from the warmth of your sofa.
Or my sofa. Walk across the street and hang out with me & Sophie
Congratulations! Beautiful post! My husband and I have only been married for 7 months so this is some great advice – I’m going to print it out and put it on the fridge! Thank you & God Bless!
Bless you, Sara-Marie! I hope you and your new hubby have many happy years together! Be sure and pencil-in all these other great suggestions
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment!
Happy Anniversary to you and Steve!! Ours is tomorrow, 54th! So with God at the helm you can do it. I know for sure if He had not entered into our lives and marriage, we would not be married today. God is good! I love your secrets to a happy marriage and will pass them on, giving credit where credit is due, of course–to God AND to you and Steve.
Liz, Blessings on your new missionary adventure in Poland!
Thank you, Liz! Don’t you love having your anniversary on a long weekend? You’re so right about putting God at the helm. That’s the key.
And thank you for taking time to read and comment. I know preparing for Poland has you busier than a one-armed paper hanger. I’m so excited to hear about the ways God uses you and Jay there. You’re my hero
Happy anniversary! Your list is so very accurate. I especially think #6 is badly needed in our society. As someone whose parents were married 49 years before my sweet mother went to the Lord, their marriage is one of the greatest blessings in my life. I celebrate with you that you are giving your children the same. It’s priceless.
Wow, Jeanette. What a joy to watch your parents share so many happy years together. You’re right – we can never underestimate the value of this blessing to our kids.
Thanks for sharing!
Happy Anniversary Susan! We just celebrated our 23rd a few weeks ago. My best marriage advice is to remember that we are a team. Somehow in the craziness of life, we tend to forget that we both have the same dreams and goals. We ALWAYS need to be a team.
“Remember you and your spouse are a team.” GREAT advice, Celeste – thanks for sharing!
You nailed it Susan, if you a person would think about the consequence of their sellfish actions the world would be a much healthier place. God being first is the strong foundation and it’s also the first commandment! I trust You & Steve signed on for twenty-five more!
Thanks, Jeff! You’re so right – that “all about me” mindset is crippling our society.
As for the contract we signed — LIFETIME
Well, happy anniversary, my friend!!! I pray you have many, many more!
Thanks, Sandi! Happy 21st to you and Jimmy!
Happy Anniversary. Praying many more happy years together for you.
Thank you, Denise!
Happy Anniversary, Susan!! I love your 7 steps to a healthy marriage… as I read them, I thought of my marriage and how each of your steps have been instrumental for us as well. Thank-you for sharing this personal and very treasured day with us. May you enjoy many more years to come together!
Thank you, Marisa. Some of those lessons required remediation, if you know what I mean
I love you both and am so blessed to have your marriage/family to look up to! Also thank goodness for your marriage…otherwise I wouldn’t have my bestie LaSarah!! Congratulations, Sus & The Gov!
Chaz!! Wow, it’s always an honor for one of you sweet young thangs to comment
And yes, without The Gov there’d be no LaSarah!
A very happy, happy anniversary to you, Susan! Doesn’t it go so very quickly?
I agree especially with #6 & 7. I have seen so many couples fall apart because one spouse makes the children the center of their world, crowding out the hubby. I have seen couples drift apart after the last child leaves the nest because they never took the time to keep refreshing their relationship.
Here is my tip: Be willing to try things that are important to your spouse, and go about it in a joyful way. You may find you enjoy them more than you thought possible, or maybe not. Either way, it is a sign of respect and love for your spouse.
“Be willing to try things that are important to your spouse, and go about it in a joyful way.”
AMEN to that one, Kim! And I like that you included that attitude-check
Baseball was one of those things in my marriage. Thank you for sharing that!
This ought to be required reading for newlyweds, or even, newly engaged. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. ~ Jennifer
Always glad to see you here, Jennifer. Thanks for stopping by!
Applause and congratulations Susan! I love your advice, and no heat from me on #6, just an enthusiastic amen. My hubby will still insist that I sit next to him at restaurants or church- we are big on keeping our relationship a priority in the family. I like Josey’s addtion- communication, and I would also add humor. Bill has a great knack for diffusing tense situations with his humor, and it has spared us many an argument. I think someone should turn this post into a wedding service sermon!!
“Laugh at yourselves whenever possible.” That’s a great addition to the list, Julia! I think that’s why God gave us two comedic kids. They’re more than happy to laugh at us
Thanks for the tip!
Happy Day to you sweet Susan! So very happy for you and love your list – sounds similar to ours!!
Thank you for being a shining example to a questioning world that devalues the covenant of marriage.
Love, Hester
Thanks, Hester. I’d love for you to post about this sometime!
Susan, I loved this post! I see this put into practice when I look at the marriage of Nan and David. Even though I’m not there physically with them, each time she and I talk on the phone, it’s evident to me. I plan on putting these into practice when the Lord lets me marry one day. Especially the one about not letting your spouse come before your Savior. That’s a good one to remember! Love you!
Thank you, Jamie! I hope the Lord blesses you with a special someone one day. You’ll be a gracious, godly wife!
Happy Anniversary to my darling firstborn and her her wonderful husband. Great advice in your 7 steps. The only thing I would add is: When problems arise, never badmouth your mate to others. Pray about it first then if necessary, seek pastoral or other christian counseling.
“Don’t be embarrassed to seek counseling.” That’s a great one, Mom. Thanks for being Dad’s cheerleader for 52 years!
Happy anniversary Susan! Love all you steps and praying you have 25+ more years of wedded bliss!
Thank you, Mindy!
Yes, yes, yes! Agree with all your points… you’ll catch no heat from me on keeping God, and then marriage, before kids.
So true, Kirsten. That has to be your AIM because it’s easy to get distracted, especially when they’re teenagers. Thanks for stopping by!
Happy Anniversary, Susan!
25 years! Wow! What a milestone!
I especially like your tip number 7. I see this as critical to any healthy relationship.
Thanks, Joe. It’s why I don’t make a big deal out of golf
Happy Anniversary! I love your 7 secrets because they are right on target. #1 is what my hubby and I refer to as the triangle of our relationship: God at the top, with hubby and me at opposite lower corners. There are times when we are in a spat that we find ourselves staring into each other’s eyes — you know the “look” I’m talking about! Well, that’s when one of us will point up, which is our reminder to stop looking at ourselves and focus on God instead. It always works to diffuse a tense situation.
Blessings on your special day!
~Anna
I love that, Anna! And YES – we’ve shared plenty of “looks”… and eye rolls and sighs… Can’t go 25 years without some of those
Happy Anniversary! So happy for you!
Thanks, Di!
Happy Anniversary, Susan!!! What a blessing! I love your tips, especially about not looking to your spouse for what can only be found in our savior. AMEN!
Visiting from WIPwed & glad to have found your place
If you have a minute, I’d love to have you share your post at our heart&home gathering at mercyinkblog.com (this week’s gathering: http://www.mercyinkblog.com/category/hearthome-link-party) hope to see you there
blessings,
lauren
Hi Lauren! Thank you for taking time to read and comment, and thanks for the invitation! I’d be happy to link-up with you this week.
See you there!
so glad you did… super encouraging post for our readers
Happy anniversary! I agree fully with those tips!
Thanks, Chelle – glad they resonated with you!
Yes, I remember that rainy day like it was yesterday. I hope you two have a great day together and plan something special.
Yes, we were waterlogged and it DOES seem like yesterday! A relaxing evening is in the plans
Happiest of Anniversaries! This is worth celebrating, indeed.
I adored your list. Wanted to write it down to give to newlyweds…
My hubby and I are two peas in a pod, if peas and carrots can fit in the same pod that is. We differ on a lot of things that one could argue over or, like you suggested, choose to ignore. We’ve made a standing agreement. If the thing we differ on involves a decision, the most conservative viewpoint wins. every time. hands down. no questions asked. Because we’ve determined resentment is null and void when no value lines were crossed. I’m probably not making any sense, but it sure works for us!
Oh, you make perfect sense, Nikki! I like the tie-breakers: most conservative viewpoint wins, and no values are compromised. That’s a great way to settle things!
Thanks for stopping by and sharing some tweet love
My best marriage tip?
Learn grace- and give it.
Amen. Thanks, Natasha!
Love, laughter, forgiveness… You have to have a sense of humor… Never use sarcasm. Never use false flattery. Blessings!
So true, Kathleen — thanks for taking time to comment!
Happy Anniversary, my dear friend!!!!!!!!! Great post!! Have fun celebrating!!
Love you!
Thanks, Kristi!
Happy Anniversary! We crossed 40 this year. Communication is way up there on our list- and realize that eventually someone is going to reach the boiling point and let off some steam, just don’t let it stew until it becomes a nuclear waste dump- those are ugly- I know, I’ve had a few. Next, never disagree over children’s discipline issues when child or children are present. Unified front always. Otherwise disintegration develops. Another one that I think is really important is to always trust the other unless you have a solid reason with evidence not to trust (you confront, you don’t avoid). And finally, to bridge the empty nest until/unless grandchildren come along- discover something that you both like to do and do it together. Whether it’s art, music, travel, diy, whatever- make a point of finding that something that trips the switch of enjoyment. when you are having a good time together- that makes good memories. Oh and if hubby suddenly becomes interested in cooking (thanks, Alton Brown) and invades your space -let him, just promise you won’t throw him out when he remarks ” hey, you know what tool i wish we had? one of those garlic thingys, you know- that mash the garlic out. ” just do what I did, calmly open the drawer he was just in and bring out the garlic press that’s been in there for 10 years!
Great tips, Nancy! “The Gov” watches cooking shows with me, but so far he hasn’t had the urge to take it up. Maybe if I bought him a set of pots and pans of his own…
Thanks for stopping by today!
Happy 25th! Congratulations
Next Wednesday, we will celebrate our 31st!
Great going on staying the course!
That’s fabulous, Tammy — Congrats on 31 years!!
My former marriage would have had most of those 7 broken quickly. I had no intention of ever having a divorce, but, eventually, there was no choice, and the Lord DID lay it on me, for protection, etc.
In 2-1/2 weeks I’ll be celebrating my 27th anniversary with my Dear One. We have that 7 quite accurately. We both put God first, follow His ministries that are laid upon us [each of us doing different things than the other, but supporting each other with encouragement and blessings]. That list is truthfully necessary to help and serve each other and our Lord.
One neat thing: in my first marriage, the hollering and screaming was common and frightening. In all these years, we rarely ever even raise our voice at all. A few times at the most. We simply do not risk hurting each other with stupidity or frustration. It hasn’t been perfect, but, compared to anything I’d ever seen or lived through, it has been a wonderful stretch of life.
Happy for you… happy for me.
Thanks for taking the time to comment, Joanne. I’m glad the Lord has given you happy years with a sweet man. A godly husband is one of the Lord’s greatest blessings, and I’m thankful for mine every day.
Great, great post! Very good advice. I like how you said not to let kids be the center of your universe. It’s hard sometimes. It seems like everything is revolving around them sometimes, but you. are. right. Thanks for the reminder.
~FringeGirl
thedomesticfringe.com
Thanks for stopping by, FringeGirl
Congrats to you and Steve on 25 beautiful years with two great kids and a home full of love. I can relate because I have been married to my best friend for 32 years and have lived by those rules–thanks for putting them into words. And I hope you both have more years together to glorify Him. God bless you both from your friend.
Thank you, Jim. You’re a great friend
Great post! And I passed on the Tweet!
Thanks for the wisdom!
Thanks for taking time to read and comment, Lisa. AND tweet!
Happy Anniversary to both of you!! Mark always says that “God commanded him to just love me” Isn’t that the greatest thing?? And forgiving is the key. 33 yrs for us & it was like yesterday. Today is my 63rd birthday, I know I am a decade older than you. I need a new “do”.
love ya
I just love that sweet Mark! Forgiveness and grace are necessities in any marriage, but I know he loves you for more reasons than that he HAS to
As for the new “do” — I think you always look fabulous, Anita. Can’t wait to see what you decide to do with your “do”
Susan,
What a wonderful testimony to your marriage. Congratulations…and thanks for sharing tips for a happy marriage. I would add, don’t go to bed angry. Stay up and talk and pray until the issue is settled or at least til you can put it to rest until you can deal the issues.
A friend once told me, “We don’t go to bed angry. We stay up all night and argue!”
I like what you said — table the issue until later. Good tip, Glenda – Thanks!
Happy Anniversary, Susan. My husband and I got married in 1987 too! It must have been a good year!
Love your wise words on marriage. I agree 100%!
Thanks, Beth! Love the title of your blog — good timing for my anniversary
Hi Susan, I had to come back and reread this on my wedding anniversary. I am so grateful for your wisdom! Hiding this in my heart today.
Praying the next 25 be filled with more love, peace, health, joy, adventures and above all, more of Him in each of you. <3
You’re so sweet to revisit this, Diana. And thank you for that sweet prayer. Blessings on your years!