Image courtesy ImageryMajestic, FreeDigitalPhotos.net
“You’re a poor pathetic loser!
You need your mommy to babysit you!”
Can you believe I’d say something so mean? To my own daughter??
When Sarah was home for the summer, we spent many lazy mornings sitting on the couch, drinking coffee and watching television. We dvr-ed a lot of programs, including The Bachelorette.
(Don’t get me started on all the problems with that show or I’ll rant for a solid week. It’s a sacrifice I make for my daughter.)
One Monday morning we watched the two-hour finale. Emily sent Ari packing and introduced Jef-with-one-F to her daughter, Ricki. And they lived happily ever after. (Cue swelling crescendo, fade to title screen, and… pass the tissues. NOT)
I’m not one to sit for long stretches, especially watching television. A tidal wave of “go DO something” crashes over me and I scamper to get busy. Two hours of unreal reality television had nearly “done the old woman in,” as Eliza Doolittle would say.
Sorry to leave Sarah but anxious to go DO something, I retreated to my office to work on an article. About the time I settled at my desk, Sarah came upstairs.
“MOM – Extreme Makeover Home Edition is running a marathon! You’ve gotta see this little boy – his name is JOB!”
I never looked up, “No more TV for me this morning,” I grunted. “I need at least an hour to finish this.”
I heard her voice crack as she muttered something and darted out of the room. Uh oh, I thought. I followed her down the hall. Tears filled her big brown eyes. “I’m sorry, sweetie.”
I hugged her. There was a lot of other stuff going on. For one thing, her Army boyfriend had just left for officer training in Missouri. “The article can wait. Let me shut down the laptop and we’ll hang out today.”
Off we went to drink more coffee and watch Ty Pennington work his magic.
Yes, this is exactly how we roll
A couple of weeks later, we laughed as we told the story to my sister. “Sarah was having a weepy day,” I said, “So we spent the day hanging out.”
Sarah’s version included,
“Yeah, and Mom told me,
‘You’re a poor pathetic loser!
You need your mommy to babysit you!’”
“I did NOT say that!” I snapped.
“Well,” she countered, “that’s what I HEARD!”
That’s what I heard
How many times have I heard things that were never said? Or even implied? More times than I care to admit.
- When IBM said I didn’t have the experience they required, I heard, “You’re stupid and probably aren’t even suited to a career in this field.”
- When my son’s preschool teacher recommended we wait to send him to kindergarten, I heard, “You’re a bad mom. Good moms prepare their five-year-olds to start school.”
- When an editor rejects an article, I sometimes hear, “You are a terrible writer. We’ll never accept your drivel so please stop bothering us with it.”
Do you ever hear those things?
Emotions, insecurities and fears are like cheap sunglasses:
they shade and distort our perspective.
Care to tweet?
Getting the real message takes practice, but it’s part of taking our thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5) and recognizing God’s voice (Isaiah 30:21)
- “Another company will be a better fit. Keep looking and I’ll lead you to the right job.”
- “Scott needs time to mature. Be patient and remember that I’m the One ordering his steps.”
- “That publication doesn’t need your article. Write what I give you and trust Me to put it in the right hands.”
We’ve turned this into a game at our house, jabbering on with the most outlandish messages we can think of, and following it with “Well, that’s what I HEARD!”
Susan,
Wow…so touched by this post. You really caught my attention and drew me into your story and life. It is so true, what we say and what others hear are filtered through all kinds of emotions and negatives life throws at us. I love the precious picture of you and your daughter and the precious relationship you have.
Thanks for sharing. Gotta tweet this one!
Thanks so much, Glenda. I’m blessed by BOTH of my kids, and we’ve all laughed about this so many times. It’s SO true!
We play this same game! My daughters will tell me what they heard and I’ll try to remember what I actually said. My husband is constantly shocked by the things we “hear” him say. But it’s wonderful to discuss it. And it’s really helped us to communicate heart to heart instead of mouth to ear.
That’s awesome, Jennifer! My daughter is 20 now, and I wish we’d have played this when she was younger. Say… middle school
But I think she figured it out along the way!
Ok, here you go again-ffinding your way into my brain! This happened to me just the other day. As you know, I had friend post for me last Monday. I’d ask a fellow blogger if she could use her post at a future time. When she said, “not at this time-sorry,” I heard “Sorry, but your friend isn’t good enough for my blog.” Did she really say that? No. But, that’s what I heard. Thank you for this timely post. Love you sweet friend!
So right, Jamie. There is so much stuff happening in a situation that we can’t possibly know about. We have to take those words for what they are, and let the Lord speak to us.
Oh goodness….I’m always getting these messages in my brain. With my new ‘aches and pains’, I started getting, “you aren’t going to be able to keep up with the grandkids anymore” HOWEVER, God says, “When you’re unable to get up…call on me”. I have decided to use this time PRAYING for my family instead of whinning about my own troubles.
AND….I am right there with you when it comes to TV. My only show that I make time for is on Sunday night, “Once Upon a Time”………..guess I’m still a kid at heart, however, my knees say differently…
I haven’t watched “Once Upon A Time” — is this one a must-watch? I don’t watch a lot of television, but U KNOW you’d like to curl up on the couch with Sarah and me and participate in our running commentary of The Bachelor. Girl, we are SOME kinda funny with that stuff!
Scott would even make an appearance and suffer through it if you were there
Well, you would have to start at the beginning of last season to get caught up on “Once”….it’s a bunch of fairy tales (we read when we were young) and they are caught up in THIS world and don’t remember who they were….ok, I am sure I just butchered that review but it’s a cute show. I was a BIG fan of fairy tales growing up and Bret and I got started watching and now I can’t stop!!!
HOWEVER, I WILL say that I’ve never been a Bachelor or Bachelorette fan…..sorry, Sarah, but no can do!!!!
Oh my, my husband and I were JUST talking about this! It seems he thinks I hear things that aren’t true at all…imagine that. So we made a list of all the things I’m sure I’ve heard before…including the real ones. and we burnt them. Talk about freedom!
What a wonderful post and thank you for spending the day with your daughter
Isn’t that something, Nikki? It’s VERY freeing to give voice to some of that foolishness, and then see it for what it IS. Which is foolishness
And for what it’s worth? It happens in everybody’s marriage. One of many communication issues we have to work through!
(That’s my 25 years talking!)
So good, Susan! I hear: “There is no way you can do that!” and “This is the way a good mom/wife/friend/Christian does it.”
Oh wow, Mandy. If I had a dollar for every time I heard “This is the way ___”
Thanks for sharing that one!
Brilliant! Must examine this in my own life and can readily see many ways to foster it in my kids. (Plus, as a fellow writer, I must say your ‘tweetable’ is a killer today!)
Thanks, Kirsten! If you can teach this to your children early in life? Imagine how this will benefit their relationships! Especially marriage
Oh my. Another post on insecurity!! Do you have a video chip inside my mind??? Thanks, just what I needed today. My hearing (and thinking) might venture into getting a bit skewed. Surely need to take every thought captive! And yes, your tweetie was profound…and I shared it!! Love you!
LOL Kristi, I don’t need to video your mind when I’ve got so much rolling through MY OWN! I wish we would one day get to the point that we automatically thought the right things. I guess we’ll be corralling wrong thoughts on our death beds. (I just hope my death bed thoughts are lucid!)
Susan, I can really relate to this, although I can’t remember specifics right now. But as usual, you totally nailed it and I’m absolutely going to Tweet this!
Blessings,
~Anna
Thanks, Anna. I can’t tell you how many messages I’ve had to re-filter!
Well, with my hubby wearing 2 hearing aids, he sometimes say things to me that sort of bewildered me!! Kidding aside, how we process what we hear is totally needs to be repeated & confirm what the other person is saying. How we deliver what we are saying to someone can be annoying, I am so guilty of this. I am working on it tho.
However better communication can be learned. Great post Susan, I think the media needs to read your post. 
And lastly people have selective listening. 
Sweet Mark with his hearing aids
I bet he does get his messages mixed up, but no more than we do!
You make a good points about selective hearing (yikes!) and our delivery. I know I’ve barked at the kids before. I didn’t mean to, but the looks on their faces told me! An apology works wonders in that case. I’m thankful for their grace
Thanks for stopping by, Anita — 2 weeks!!
Oh this is perfect! We have to be so careful to filter our emotions out of our reactions (BTW, have you read UNGLUED by Lysa TerKeurst yet? So fitting for this post.) It’s also good to stop and think about how others, especially the ones closest to us, might be “hearing” the things we say, based on their current situation/ emotional state. I had a similar moment with my daughter this week (daughers are particularly tricky, aren’t they?) and had to pull her in for a hug and an apology. I wasn’t even yelling, but she took my words the wrong way.
I don’t sit still well either, and my son just started kindergarten at age six. Us wise moms know when our kids need time to mature.
Thanks for this great post!
I haven’t read Unglued yet, Julia. I hear it’s excellent, which is no surprise
And I agree with you — wise mamas give their boys time to mature, and daughters CAN be tricky
Thanks for taking time to read and comment!
This is a post i can relate to:) I know my own kids hear things I’d never intend to say. And I often hear things from my husband he never means. That’s where Paul’s admonition to take thoughts captive comes in. I need to hear God’s voice above the lies I think I hear. Have a blessed day!
Hearing God above the lies I think I hear — Amen to that! Thanks for stopping by, Christina!
I’m so glad I found your blog! There are so many times when I “hear” things that weren’t said (and there are also times that I get frustrated and my tone makes someone else “hear” things that I didn’t mean).
I just tweeted you
I am starting a new link up tomorrow called Thriving Thursday, and I think this is the perfect kind of article to help encourage people to get into thriving mode. Perception is so important. Blessings to you!
Thanks for stopping by AND for the tweet love, Crystal! I’ll be sure to check out your link-up tomorrow. Good luck with that!
Oh my…I asked my Mom if she thought I was beautiful (I was probably about 11 at the time) and she said, “Of course! You’re so cute!” And I heard, “You will never be beautiful.” Isn’t that just crazy? And do you know that I thought that for the longest time? And when I was going through my first divorce, I was still hearing it. Crazy! Thankfully, I’m past that point because I’m just happy to be me!
Gosh, Mindy. That’s a sad thing to have bouncing in your brain. I’m glad you’ve moved past that and have embraced your unique wonderfulness, or as you say – your quirky off-kilter-ness! I’m so glad to find somebody who’s “the same kind of strange” as me!
(RUN — run for the hills!!)
Ha! Ha! Run is probably a good idea!
Such a real post, thanks.
Always glad to have you stop by, Denise
From my aunt: “Are you pregnant?” Me: No ma’am. Her: “Are you sure?”
What I heard: You look fat in some picture I saw on Facebook.
LOL that’s a good one, Mary Beth! Funny you say that — one of my girlfriend’s got a call from her dad one evening. He’d seen a pic of her on Facebook and told her she looked like she’d blown up!
Yeah, I un-tag myself in those
Thanks for stopping by today. I always enjoy WIP Wednesdays!
Even worse is the messages heard from our own thoughts. Example, I am struggling to hear. I need to get a hearing aid. I can say this statement now without tears, which has taken me about a year to accomplish…I once lost it at a luncheon with friends from biblestudy and boo-hooed right at the table over my statement. Yes, I need a hearing aid but what I hear when I say this is, “It’s OVER for you…you are now putting one foot into the grave sister. And you know you are going to end up just like your Mom, deaf as a stone!” Pretty sad huh…and it’s my own “WHAT I HEARD YOU SAY!”
Now you have material for your next article!
I love you,
Aunt Deaf
Kim Lower says that everybody will be wearing aids before long, so try not to sweat it. You’ll always be young in my eyes
Love you too!
Wow, you knocked this subject out of the ball park, girlfriend! My Hokie hubby and I recently began asking the other “What did you hear me say?” We’re still learning, after 22 years of marriage, that what we “hear” is often skewed by our own insecurities.
Oh, the rewards of taking our thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ! Thank you for sharing this timely message, Susan. (Love the photo!)
Thanks, Cathy! I could go on and on about this one
You’re right about this being an issue in marriage. Your Hokie hubby is a smart cookie, but how could he NOT be, being a Hokie and all
I love this! I’ll never forget somebody saying (although I have forgotten WHO IT WAS LOL!) “in every conversation, there are 3 conversations going on: what you think you say, what you say, and what they hear.”
Good for you for ditching the work and loving on your daughter!
Oh wow, 3 Conversations… SO TRUE! I need to remember that! Thanks for sharing that
Susan,
I’m so encouraged by your blogs. The voices in our heads are too often so condemning but thanks to God, He sees everything good about us and whispers encouragement into our souls. We just have to stop and listen.
Thanks, Pam! I’m honored that you’d take the time to read and comment
And I’m with you — I love His sweet soul whispers!
wow, Susan…this is so true…I’ve gone through this and praying 2 Cor. 10:5, and going through this with our daughter…proud of you for spending the time with your girl…what a great mom! I’m with you…it would be a sacrifice for me to watch reality TV dating…Blessings to you
Thanks, Dolly. Maybe you and your daughter can turn it into a game. Sarah and I come up with the most outlandish things, and it usually ends with “and you hate me.”
So glad you stopped by today
Wow, Sus. I read this after an immensely hard week in sorority land. I’ve been believing the lies that I “hear,” even though they haven’t been said at all. So thankful for your wise words to remind me of real truths…to remind me that God’s timing is different and to seek His voice in all occasions. Much love to you…hope to see you soon!
CHAZ! First of all, I hope you did well on your test
And I can’t imagine all the stuff you “hear” in sorority land, spoken and unspoken and implied. I’m proud of you for seeking out the voice of Truth and remembering where your REAL worth is.
Thanks for stopping by — It makes my day when you girls read and comment!
Wow. Yes. I do hear things differently from what is actually said. Looks like you’ve really hit a nerve here. Thanks for sharing, Susan.
Hugs from VA, Jennifer!
I just read this post to my husband and blubbered the whole way through… probably because I’m PMSing, but mostly because it was so AWESOME and very relatable! How many times have I “heard” the wrong message?! Too many times to count because I’m such a feeler and because I allow my EGO (Edging God Out) to be in control instead of hearing God’s voice to interpret the message appropriately. Susan, you are so gifted and I’m so thankful God chose ME to be one of the recipients of that gift. You’re a blessing and a treasure (I tell you that at least once a week don’t I?!) and this is one message you should always take at face value!
Lots of love and hugs!
Marisa
Wow, Marisa. YOU are the blessing, and such a fabulous encourager. I’m honored this post spoke to you.
For what it’s worth — I can’t imagine anyone with a heart as tender as yours, which makes me want that sweet heart to be tended and fed with the grace of the Father. NO LIES and NO toxic words or thoughts. He’s gifted you in such a special way, and you are blessing others by WALKING IN IT.
Love and hugs back atcha
I’ve “heard” the wrong message many many times, so I can definitely relate to your post. Taking our thoughts captive is definitely a great suggestion, and I’m glad you mentioned that in this post. Too many times we let our thoughts run like wild horses – fast and furious.
I’m like you, I can only take so much watching television before I have to be doing something …
By the way, love the eyeglasses quote!
Hi Jerralea, good to see you back here! I think this topic struck a nerve, huh! It’s something we all do, so it helps to back up and THINK before we let those thoughts take off!
Thanks for stopping by!
Following up on this again because it happened to me this morning: My husband left something out where I had just cleaned up. His simple and innocent actions inadvertently communicated to me a lack of care for my effort. Thanks to your post, I was aware that I was hearing something he hadn’t said and the issue was resolved faster than it would have been.
(Just keepin’ it real!)
That’s great, Kirsten! I mean, in a “learn it and apply it” kinda way
This was one of the most challenging things for me to learn, and I still have to preach it to myself. I’m glad you were able to get a grip on your thoughts sooner!
I’m thinking about turning this into an actual “game” with a mailbox in my classroom. Due to their life experiences, most of my students are sensitive and paranoid past the point of your average teenager. I wonder how this might help us communicate better with each other if we had a chance to respond to the different implicit messages that each of us is giving and receiving. THANKS!
Classroom game — what a great idea, Lauren! It takes a special teacher to pick up on the emotional needs of her students. Hopefully this idea will make them stop and THINK about what they’re saying to themselves. What a powerful thing for a teenager to learn!
Oh Susan – what a stinging and thought-provoking post! Yes, I’ve been there…on the ends!
But what I love most is the way you encourage us to turn a deaf ear to the enemy’s evil shouts and instead listen for still small voice of God that whispers truth to our hearts. Amen! And thanks! Needed that!
Glad you stopped by, Jeannette! Isn’t it crazy that we ALL do this??
Susan,
You pretty much nailed it girl! I identify with all of your examples! And, I love this line, “Emotions, insecurities and fears are like cheap sunglasses: they shade and distort our perspective.”
Sooo good Susan, thank you!
Love, Hester
Thanks, Hester
Glad you’re listening to the voice of Truth. You’re a great encourager and I’m thankful for you!
I wonder what my daughters are hearing. This post requires some thought. I’m guilty of hearing things not said–and many times not meant.
Thanks for stopping by, Pamela. Once you start listening & decoding those messages, it’s amazing the things you hear.
Thanks for the beautifully written reminder that our adult kids still love and need focused attention and that it takes time (and sometimes shutting off the computer) to get to the truth.
Strong work, momma.
Fondly,
Glenda
Thanks, Glenda! Yep, I’m blessed that they still like to hang out with mom
Oh, my. I have smiled so much as I read the comments. Apparently all of us are using the same buggy version of translation software! ;-D
Your conversation with your daughter sounds so much like ones I have held with my daughter! Thanks for the reminder to pay attention to the needs of our loved ones and to really listen.
I’ll bet we’ve had a lot of the same conversations, Kim! There’s always more than meets the eye, isn’t there? Especially with girls
Glad you stopped by today.
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Thank you all for your wonderful comments and insights. Sarah and I appreciate that so many people “get” this!
I’m sad to say I’ve been on the giving AND the receiving end of the “That’s what I heard” conversation. Thank you for the reminder that what He says is what matters. And because He is truth, we don’t have to worry about any double meaning coming from HIS lips!
Thank you for your thought-provoking article. I know it was posted long ago, but I needed it today.